Professional snack taster, amateur everything else.

Some people have abs. I have snacks.

If you need me, I'm in my blanket fort.

Out of office: mentally, emotionally, physically.

The couch and I have an understanding.

I'm not late, everyone else is early.

I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas.

My phone is at 100% and I'm at 5%.

Every day I wake up and choose snacks.

Dance like nobody's watching. They're not. They're on their phones.

Did I sleep 8 hours or 8 minutes? Unclear.

Proud member of the "5 more minutes" club.

My goal this week: find my other sock.

I have two moods: hungry and sleepy.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just really into this nap.

The weekend went by faster than my paycheck.

I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas.

My texting speed is fast, my reply speed is not.

Keep calm and pretend you know what you're doing.

Currently buffering. Try again later.

I'm fine. My search history says otherwise.

I put on my "doing nothing" outfit today.

Monday called. I didn't pick up.

My brain is a browser with 47 tabs open.

I have two moods: hungry and sleepy.

My love language is being left alone with snacks.

Let me overthink this and get back to you.

Professional snack taster, amateur everything else.

The couch and I have an understanding.

I followed a recipe once. Never again.