Every day I wake up and choose snacks.

Some people have abs. I have snacks.

I have two moods: hungry and sleepy.

If you need me, I'm in my blanket fort.

My goal this week: find my other sock.

Mentally, I'm still in bed.

Remembered everything I forgot. At 2am. In bed.

Just vibing until someone asks me to do something.

Here for a good time, not a long time. Especially at meetings.

I don't need therapy, I need a beach and zero emails.

I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas.

Currently accepting applications for someone to do my laundry.

My texting speed is fast, my reply speed is not.

My cooking is so good the smoke alarm cheers me on.

Monday called. I didn't pick up.

Professional snack taster, amateur everything else.

My to-do list has a to-do list.

Me pretending to understand the group chat.

If laziness were a sport, I still wouldn't compete.

My cooking is so good the smoke alarm cheers me on.

I'm on a strict diet of whatever's in the fridge.

Just vibing until someone asks me to do something.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just really into this nap.

My goal this week: find my other sock.

I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas.

My love language is being left alone with snacks.

Life update: I finally folded the laundry. Just kidding.

I'm not clumsy, the floor just loves me.

If you need me, I'm in my blanket fort.

I followed a recipe once. Never again.