I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas.

Professional snack taster, amateur everything else.

My cooking is so good the smoke alarm cheers me on.

Dance like nobody's watching. They're not. They're on their phones.

I'm not late, everyone else is early.

I'm fine. My search history says otherwise.

My love language is being left alone with snacks.

Currently buffering. Try again later.

I have two moods: hungry and sleepy.

My brain is a browser with 47 tabs open.

If laziness were a sport, I still wouldn't compete.

Out of office: mentally, emotionally, physically.

My goal this week: find my other sock.

If laziness were a sport, I still wouldn't compete.

If you need me, I'm in my blanket fort.

I need a nap and a new personality.