I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas.

I'm the reason the group chat has trust issues.

My phone is at 100% and I'm at 5%.

My to-do list has a to-do list.

My only marathon is a TV series.

Did I sleep 8 hours or 8 minutes? Unclear.

I'm not clumsy, the floor just loves me.

I'm not late, everyone else is early.

If laziness were a sport, I still wouldn't compete.

Me: saves money. Also me: sees a sale.

Remembered everything I forgot. At 2am. In bed.

If you see me smiling, I'm thinking about food.

Me pretending to understand the group chat.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just really into this nap.

Some people have abs. I have snacks.

Professional snack taster, amateur everything else.